Norfolk Notes - Friday: House of Horrors!
Hoorah! Hoorah for holidays, sunshine and eating ice-crams until you're sick and the flake pops out of your nose. Load half of house into car, watching it sinking slowly on its axles under the sheer weight of sun-cream, swimming cozzies and thermos flasks full of over-strength tea for frequent pic-nic stops.
After 45 minutes of motorway hell, creeping slowly forward and wondering how hot it has to be before my skin bonds with the back of the car seat, the traffic suddenly - poof - evaporates and we're on our way. Wind in the hair and expectation running wild.
As the light drained from the sky we pulled into Wells harbour for fish and chips. Ambrosia! The batter crisp and golden round the cod, the chips gorgeous and just greasy enough to let you know that they were doing you enough harm to be enjoyable, salted and vinigared to perfection. All this consumed sat on the edge of the harbour wall, being gently menaced by ducks and gulls on the look-out for chips or scraps.
Then on to the holiday cottage.
Found it , opened door. the first thing I saw when I turned on the kitchen light, even before I saw all the filth in the kitchen, was the huge cock on top of the fridge. It had an evil glint in its eye and looked angry enough to spit at having been stuffed. the last thing I want to be confronted with is the spitting eye of a cock, believe me.
Wiped a few ants off of the counter top and wandered through to dining room. Stuffed birds here were an owl - thankfully in a tasteful presentation box - and a very surprised looking duck, with an expression that very much said 'what is that man about to do with that fist full of sawdust! The theme of the dining room was cobwebbed.
The theme of the living room was cobweb with a hint of stained furniture. We didn't unpack but went directly to bed. Surely things would look better in the morning.
So, come Saturday - Relocation Relocation Relocation
What was interesting about this place was that even though Norfolk had just experienced the hottest week on record, the place still stank of damp. In the daylight, all the muck was visible. Then I decided to take a shower.
You know that a place is not fit for you when the soap in the soap dish is, instead of being new, wrapped in tissue paper and bearing the legend 'enjoy washing with me', has instead already obviously been used and has a hair still clinging to it.
The only thing the place had was a mobile signal. 'Phoned up the letting company and explained in reasonable and straightforward terms that our position was desperate on a par with the bloody American Embassy on Hanoi and we wanted immediate dust-off now, otherwise i would pop smoke and, most probably, a gasket.
Relocation was swift and painful. Oh, it had everything. The incompetent staff at the office, the tearful cottage owner (why, I have no idea, the bloody woman currently has my money) and the swift re-packing of the car. Managed to avoid doing a wheelspin as I accelerated out of there. I think I was doing about MACH 3 by the time I was at the end of the drive.
After 45 minutes of motorway hell, creeping slowly forward and wondering how hot it has to be before my skin bonds with the back of the car seat, the traffic suddenly - poof - evaporates and we're on our way. Wind in the hair and expectation running wild.
As the light drained from the sky we pulled into Wells harbour for fish and chips. Ambrosia! The batter crisp and golden round the cod, the chips gorgeous and just greasy enough to let you know that they were doing you enough harm to be enjoyable, salted and vinigared to perfection. All this consumed sat on the edge of the harbour wall, being gently menaced by ducks and gulls on the look-out for chips or scraps.
Then on to the holiday cottage.
Found it , opened door. the first thing I saw when I turned on the kitchen light, even before I saw all the filth in the kitchen, was the huge cock on top of the fridge. It had an evil glint in its eye and looked angry enough to spit at having been stuffed. the last thing I want to be confronted with is the spitting eye of a cock, believe me.
Wiped a few ants off of the counter top and wandered through to dining room. Stuffed birds here were an owl - thankfully in a tasteful presentation box - and a very surprised looking duck, with an expression that very much said 'what is that man about to do with that fist full of sawdust! The theme of the dining room was cobwebbed.
The theme of the living room was cobweb with a hint of stained furniture. We didn't unpack but went directly to bed. Surely things would look better in the morning.
So, come Saturday - Relocation Relocation Relocation
What was interesting about this place was that even though Norfolk had just experienced the hottest week on record, the place still stank of damp. In the daylight, all the muck was visible. Then I decided to take a shower.
You know that a place is not fit for you when the soap in the soap dish is, instead of being new, wrapped in tissue paper and bearing the legend 'enjoy washing with me', has instead already obviously been used and has a hair still clinging to it.
The only thing the place had was a mobile signal. 'Phoned up the letting company and explained in reasonable and straightforward terms that our position was desperate on a par with the bloody American Embassy on Hanoi and we wanted immediate dust-off now, otherwise i would pop smoke and, most probably, a gasket.
Relocation was swift and painful. Oh, it had everything. The incompetent staff at the office, the tearful cottage owner (why, I have no idea, the bloody woman currently has my money) and the swift re-packing of the car. Managed to avoid doing a wheelspin as I accelerated out of there. I think I was doing about MACH 3 by the time I was at the end of the drive.
1 Comments:
I once had a similar experience when we visited Santa Fe, New Mexico. I had been in charge of finding accomodations, and let's just say, i failed miserably. After my significant other got a crick in his neck due to the rock-hard pillows, then wouldn't stop moaning and wouldn't speak real words, I promptly called up the nice place we saw down the road. It completely changed the entire vacation. I think we appreciated it even more when we got to the nicer place---I was literally running around the room singing tunes from the Sound of Music. It was glorious.
Post a Comment
<< Home