Guest blogger – Merry Christmas from the vicar

As the vicar of a small parish church in a picturesque village, my role is, of course, primarily to fleece the tourists who pitch up to look at the world-famous rood screen that graces the church (at least it became world-famous thanks to Wikipedia; did you know that anyone can edit Wikipedia and it becomes a source of authority. This means, for instance that an informed scholar can correct the misconception that the rood screen here at St Barnabus is not in fact a Victorian reproduction but is instead an authentic relic from the Middle Ages. Nobody could have been more delighted than myself at this development and I would like to use this opportunity to thank that anonymous scholar – ‘VIC007’ – for helping to put the church on the tourist map) and then to explain exactly what a screen is, and what a rood is.

The rest of the time is spent writing to publishers of GB travel guides requesting that they include an ecclesiastic glossary to spare overworked clergy from answering basic questions like ‘what’s a trancept exactly?’ and ‘isn’t a font something to do with typing?’ and of course ministering to the parishioners and preparing for the major Christian festivals.

Of which the most important is Easter, but try convincing anyone of that.

Instead, the focus of the Christian calendar in the village is Christmas. Indeed I would say that the entire village considers attending church at Christmas to be a very good idea, and I know that all the villagers are profoundly grateful to the very small proportion that actually did turn up to worship.

Just as I know that the faithful rather enjoy the tradition that has grown up in recent years of the dawn three hour bell pull on Christmas Morning, known as the ‘Hangover Clap’ or the ‘Peal of Thunder’, it brings happy shrieks of misery from all those who have overindulged the night before who live within donging range of the church and are now faced with the awful reality that an enthusiastic collection of campanologists has no snooze setting.

Of course, being an inclusive church, we are quick to welcome those of different faiths who wish to dip a toe in the waters of the font so to speak at Christmas time and see what all the fuss is about. They may have seen clergy on the news, but we are quick to remind folk that we are not of the faith that appears to make a habit out of touching choirboys and appearing some time later leaving the magistrates’ court with a blanket over our heads. No, while many in the church are going to Rome at this troubled time, here in the village we remain of the view firmly held for a few hundred years that ‘catholic’ is just another form of heritic solid fuel.

Still, as I say, all are welcome. Why some young folk even make sulky remarks about becoming pagan and, of course, one has to sit them down and give them a jolly good talking to, explaining that faith really does require devotion and that it takes rather more than some black eyeliner and clanky jewellery to make a decent pagan. Once one explains to them that of course the village has a thriving pagan community and all that is required to join it is to dance round naked all night during the winter solstice, which is in December, while somebody films the whole thing sniggering from the bushes before posting it on Youtube titled ‘world’s smallest cock’, they begin to see the attraction of belting out a psalm in a cosy church of a Sunday.

Modernity and modern fashions have their place, but here in the village we like tradition. That’s why we have ten generations of the same family in the same tomb; tradition. And inbreeding. And inherited genetic disorders. But mostly tradition. But we embrace modernity. Why, we even have women priests here sometimes and the only time there is friction is when there is an insinuation that they look rather better in vestments than I do.

Wishing you all a happy and peaceful New Year.