X rated – we rate it and review so you don’t actually have to go
There’s probably scope for a publication full of nothing but critical reviews. While wicked reviews are fun to read, it would perhaps lead to a dearth of quotable review soundbites for movie posters. There are already signs of desperation with some posters, if your quote is ‘loved it’ but comes from Zoo, Nuts or Heat rather than Tattler, then you have to wonder about the quality of the movie.
Of course, if your movie is so shit that you can’t even get a decent quote from Heat, you need to start trawling the niche publications, making sure you have ‘loved it!’ in very big print and ‘Hedge Worrier Quarterly’ in very small print. Because the more specialist the magazine, the less natural authority it will have – ask anyone who would rather read about a new miracle diet pill in ‘Heat’ rather than the article in the ‘Lancet’ that advises that the same pill has the unfortunate side-effect of making you sexually irresistible to bears.
If you’re reduced to the local press; ‘They sure use some fancy words in this movie!’ – Cotswold Advertiser, then you’re in real trouble. And the day you see a quote on a movie poster for an explicit erotic thriller along the lines of ‘it made me feel funny in my tummy *****’ – Thatford Junior School Newsletter, you know things have gone too far.
As for the audience for a publication of wholly negative, bitter and wickedly cruel and uninformed reviews, that’s easy, it’s lazy men who would rather spend their weekends and evenings on the sofa than dragging round some art gallery or counting down the moments to their intermission gin infusion at some ghastly theatre. A terrible review, in print, has far greater authority than any internet review and, properly wielded, can secure that all-important boozy night on the sofa.
The perfect title, of course, for any collection of reviews about disparate matters is: ‘X rated’. Not only does this allow for ‘X’ to stand for anything at all, so it can be pot noodle rated, sandwich spreads related, biscuits related and so on, it also has the smutty association and just the right nostalgic touch to make it a natural go-to site on the internet, not to mention all the blokes that will find it by mistake because they have Googled ‘X Rated birds’ and the first return is a review about custard. Having said that, there’s no reason smut can’t be rated and reviewed too.
Overall, criticism has a role to play. One of the great things about the internet, along with being able to order stuff without having to leave the house and being able to look porn from many lands, is that just about everything is reviewed and I love the idea that just about anything and everything can be reviewed. It used to be that the only things that were reviewed were films and plays, art exhibitions and restaurants in the city where the paper was based. But now everything from hotels to instant mashed potatoes are reviewed. OK, so it’s sometimes by somebody with more opinion than talent, but occasionally it’s by someone with a real passion for what they are reviewing. If you’ve reviewed a dozen types of instant mash potato, chances are you are going to be an enthusiast. And single.
There must be more scope for reviewing everyday stuff and there must really be an audience for stuff that others find fascinatingly awful and a little bit common, like cider, or caravans.
(Full disclosure, I’ve eaten instant mashed potatoes and enjoyed them greatly. Used to eat them with fish fingers and canned creamed mushrooms. Naturally I’d not dream of doing that now. I’d use fresh mushrooms.) (No I wouldn't, I'd use tinned, cite nostalgia as an excuse and then hop on line and find a tinned creamed mushrooms forum to share my profound opinions, and pictures.)
Of course, if your movie is so shit that you can’t even get a decent quote from Heat, you need to start trawling the niche publications, making sure you have ‘loved it!’ in very big print and ‘Hedge Worrier Quarterly’ in very small print. Because the more specialist the magazine, the less natural authority it will have – ask anyone who would rather read about a new miracle diet pill in ‘Heat’ rather than the article in the ‘Lancet’ that advises that the same pill has the unfortunate side-effect of making you sexually irresistible to bears.
If you’re reduced to the local press; ‘They sure use some fancy words in this movie!’ – Cotswold Advertiser, then you’re in real trouble. And the day you see a quote on a movie poster for an explicit erotic thriller along the lines of ‘it made me feel funny in my tummy *****’ – Thatford Junior School Newsletter, you know things have gone too far.
As for the audience for a publication of wholly negative, bitter and wickedly cruel and uninformed reviews, that’s easy, it’s lazy men who would rather spend their weekends and evenings on the sofa than dragging round some art gallery or counting down the moments to their intermission gin infusion at some ghastly theatre. A terrible review, in print, has far greater authority than any internet review and, properly wielded, can secure that all-important boozy night on the sofa.
The perfect title, of course, for any collection of reviews about disparate matters is: ‘X rated’. Not only does this allow for ‘X’ to stand for anything at all, so it can be pot noodle rated, sandwich spreads related, biscuits related and so on, it also has the smutty association and just the right nostalgic touch to make it a natural go-to site on the internet, not to mention all the blokes that will find it by mistake because they have Googled ‘X Rated birds’ and the first return is a review about custard. Having said that, there’s no reason smut can’t be rated and reviewed too.
Overall, criticism has a role to play. One of the great things about the internet, along with being able to order stuff without having to leave the house and being able to look porn from many lands, is that just about everything is reviewed and I love the idea that just about anything and everything can be reviewed. It used to be that the only things that were reviewed were films and plays, art exhibitions and restaurants in the city where the paper was based. But now everything from hotels to instant mashed potatoes are reviewed. OK, so it’s sometimes by somebody with more opinion than talent, but occasionally it’s by someone with a real passion for what they are reviewing. If you’ve reviewed a dozen types of instant mash potato, chances are you are going to be an enthusiast. And single.
There must be more scope for reviewing everyday stuff and there must really be an audience for stuff that others find fascinatingly awful and a little bit common, like cider, or caravans.
(Full disclosure, I’ve eaten instant mashed potatoes and enjoyed them greatly. Used to eat them with fish fingers and canned creamed mushrooms. Naturally I’d not dream of doing that now. I’d use fresh mushrooms.) (No I wouldn't, I'd use tinned, cite nostalgia as an excuse and then hop on line and find a tinned creamed mushrooms forum to share my profound opinions, and pictures.)
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