Sign here

It should come as no surprise to anyone that as soon as the government set up a web site where one could start a petition for your pet subject to be debated in parliament, the thing has dozens of near-identical petitions all about bringing back the death penalty. I think the only difference between them is the way they have structured the sentence ‘bring back the death penalty’ and that some of them have named their favoured form of execution, such as hanging, which has seen a renewed popularity ever since Saddam Hussain was strung up on Youtube. Certainly, the petition does seem to attract the hang ‘em and flog’ em brigade (I didn’t see if flogging, birching or a bloody good seeing to with a cricket bat were also being suggested for lesser crimes, such as being foreign, as the site had, ironically, died under the weight of the hits it was getting) but I think it’s a certainty that when it comes to methods of dispatching criminals, nobody has started a petition that mentions a lovely Swiss clinic with some Bach, a comfy chair and some poisoned toblorone as the way they’d like to see justice done.

Anyone who has ever tried to get a petition going for anything constructive, like saving a tree or community centre, or getting a level crossing built, will know that it can be a bit of a slog. Everyone likes habitats for squirrels and being able to cross the road, but putting down your name can be a bit of a chore, no?

That’s why the internet is so good for these sorts of petitions, especially in terms of bringing back things that we used to have, such as hanging or rickets. Anyone who has visited one of the many web-sites devoted to explaining why crisps tasted better ion the 1970s (answer: the additives and flavourings they used back then are now illegal. Proper pickled onion flavoured Monster Munch was the only snack to have a scientifically recognised half-life) will tell you that nostalgia drives the internet.

That’s why as well as the usual bollocks about the death penalty and having some sock puppet children’s teevee presenter ushered in as Prime Minister, the most popular petitions are likely to revolve around passing a law that requires the reintroduction of some biscuit from the 1970’s, Top Of The Pops being back on telly every Thursday and all porn to be removed from the internet and instead replaced by proper jazz-mags, available only from garages or left in a slightly soiled condition under a hedge.