Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Didn't they do 'whiter shade of pale'?

What, the actual, fuck.
Occasionally Twitter makes up for the fact that it is essentially a social media site dedicated to allowing people who rely on others for validation to broadcast their every thought without reason (‘just snorted cereal thru my nose, LOL’).  The story of the kidnap of 200 schoolgirls had made a footnote in the mainstream media but had been a constant presence on Twitter since the atrocity was first reported, my favourite comment being ‘If this had happened anywhere else, the entire country would be in lockdown’.
It’s true.  Can you imagine what would happen if 200 schoolgirls were kidnapped here?  Every single adult would get up, get their coat, grab a torch and, as the mood took them, a shotgun or cricket bat, and get out there, probably only to meet every single police officer in the country going door to door with dogs and tasers.
However, mainstream media doesn’t much go for foreign reporting.  It’s expensive and in countries like Nigeria it’s hard to establish facts to a deadline or find enough informed speculation to fill a cycle of rolling news.  This is especially the case where there are no westerners involved.  Far better to hope the French correspondent from AP sobers up in time to file some copy and, with that and Wikipedia and a bloke from some East Anglian poly specialising in ‘African studies’, get a solid two minutes for the ten o’clock bulletin.
All that changed when a video from an arsehole in a bobble hat turned up.
Back to the bobble hat in a moment but first a public service announcement:  If you are the sort of utter detestable arsehole who believes that children shouldn’t be educated, then you of course have the right to keep that belief to yourself and never, ever do anything about it, you despicable turd.  If you manage to hook up with some like minded people, no doubt when you were cruising for porn on the internet and accessed a chat-room ‘for research’, that’s when the problems start.  Things usually come to a head when you find yourself in a Toyota dealership haggling for a fleet of Land Cruisers.
And what the fuck is it with arseholes and Land Cruisers?  Now, I like pick-up trucks. The best example I saw was in Aspen where a guy pulled into a gas station and there was one inch of snow and two over-excited dogs in the back.
All good pick-up trucks should be well-loved and come with dogs in the back.  Land Cruisers, it would appear, come with arseholes in military fatigues, and fucking flip-flops, hanging out the back all holding AK47s and looking for trouble.  Rednecks who murder hikers at the weekend are worried that Land Cruisers are giving pick-up owners a bad reputation.
Back to the bobble hat. (Obviously, there was a sigh of relief round the boardroom table when the BBC found out that a tosser in novelty knitware appearing on telly was not yet another disgraced former teevee presenter).
Some kidnapping arsehole has recorded a video where he claims responsibility for kidnapping children and announcing that he is going to sell them.  Lovely.  Putting aside the obvious monstrous evil and the desire for that video to end with a whistling sound before it cuts to black and then to another angle of the same scene, this one from above, in different shades of green with a fucking crosshairs in the middle and a top-down view of a bobble hat getting bigger and bigger, did anyone else think the guy was odd?
I don’t know much about doing a piece to camera but I do know that, ever since the craze for ‘Chatroulette’ passed, you don’t repeatedly touch yourself while talking to your audience.  The guy starts by, no other way to put this, plucking at his trousers and then pulling on the bobble of his bobble hat.
Usually when you see such behaviour, it’s being exhibited by a toddler and is rectified by a percussive slap around the legs from the kid’s mother.  One rather wishes that somebody was there to sort out bobble-guy, with a cricket bat, dipped in shit, on fire.
Now, I am not one to judge the mental state of the sort of arsehole who kidnaps children, but I would say that any adult who plucks their bobble hat repeatedly is, accordingly Wikipedia, a FUCKING NUTTER.
In the meantime, the whole world is united in praying for the safe return of the children and the continuation of education of our children in the hope of a better tomorrow.  In the meantime, maybe the mainstream media had better start looking over its shoulder, because hashtags have started to replace headlines.

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