All about ocd...no, that should be OCD, get it RIGHT!

A lot of work is taking place to de-stigmatise mental illness.

This work is taking place on two fronts.

The first is to get people to recognise that mental illness is a real thing and just because the person suffering from this sort of illness doesn’t require one of those fucking mobility scooters to terrorise people with in shopping malls because their Greggs-related-condition makes walking difficult, does not mean it doesn’t exist.

The second front is to educate people about mental illness, essentially, not all people with mental illness are nutters, some are escapologists who wear straightjackets as part of their acts, but most people who suffer from mental illness genuinely need help.  Of course, there are a few people who are just fucking nutters.  Symptoms include reading the Daily Mail and being able to hold forthright views on immigration.  There is no cure.

Alistair Campbell tweets a lot about mental health.  Of course, as a megalomaniac who helped start a war he’s probably an expert and is part of a support network for people who, in another age, would have had an undersea volcano base and a taste for world domination, instead of just a Twitter account, so probably knows whereof he speaks.

There are many flavours of mental illness but by far my favourite is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Or should that be Obsessive, Compulsive Disorder?  Damn!  I would Google it but have had my allocated five minutes of internet time today before the Voices started.

The thing about OCD is this, it’s bollocks.

It is.

It really is.

It really, really is.

OCD is such bollocks that the cure for ODC should be a bloke who grabs the person suffering from OCD by the lapels of their no doubt meticulously ironed shirt and bellows ‘FUCKING PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!’.  I reckon even the bastards at NICE would fund that.

Oh, and please don’t start in about the benefits of OCD.  So, you have a potential flatmate who tells you that they are so clean that they are practically OCD?  Best case scenario, they quietly run a vacuum cleaner over you while you sleep.  Worst case – they are suddenly sole tenant in a flat that is forensically clean.

In my five minutes of Googling, I learned that OCD is all about control and ritual.  Apparently, people who suffer from OCD do things (rituals) to prevent terrible things from happening.

So here’s my question…why is it only preventative?  Why not positive?  Why doesn’t a ritual result in a lottery win?

And here’s the litmus test.  OK.  You have mild OCD.  So does your pilot.  Before boarding a flight, one of you doesn’t do your ritual.  Does the ‘plane crash?

NO!  Of course it fucking doesn’t!  A 747 is not going to be kept aloft because you sang ‘fly me to the moon’ under your breath whilst checking your baggage.

Obviously, we need to take mental health seriously.  Even OCD.  And I do.  Hence…the app!

Because ODC is fucking ridiculous.  Rituals which are, essentially, a profoundly exaggerated sense of self importance, are (serious face) tragic when they affect and afflict the lives of others but are (more serious face) bloody debilitating on a day-to-day basis.

So here’s my idea for an app.

OCD swap.

(Ooh, genius idea, we could get it fronted by Noel, the last 70’s DJ standing!)

OCD sufferers swap rituals with each other.  So, have to say ‘monkey’ 500 times whilst spinning counter clockwise otherwise that reactor you’re responsible for will go tits up…but it’s your daughter’s wedding and you don’t have the fucking time?  No problem, GingerMum1974 has to have her first sip of tea of the day from a mug with the handle turned left.

OCD swap puts NukeDad and GingerMum in touch with one another, he does her ritual, presses ‘done’, she does his, presses ‘done’ and they are both good to go for the day.

And the best bit…neither actually does the other’s ritual!

Why?  Because people with OCD know it’s fucking mental.  But can’t stop it.  But are buggered if they will let it blight other’s lives.

Oh, and checking Facebook every 30 minutes doesn’t make you OCD.  It makes you needy.