Moron TV The Apprentice

Last Wednesday I watched the first two minutes of the first programme in the latest series of ‘The Apprentice’.  This was a mistake.  In more ways than one.  A mistake because I had no desire to watch the first two minutes of ‘The Apprentice’, and a mistake because having recklessly watched the first two minutes of ‘The Apprentice’, I really wish I had not.

Full disclosure, it was my own fault.  I wasn’t quick enough getting out of the room.  Normally, when the titles roll it’s the que for all right thinking men to go to the kitchen and load the dishwasher to the soothing strains of Radio 5 Live.

And that theme music, ‘The Apprentice Dirge’ needs to go.  Surely the music that used to play over the end credits of ‘The Benny Hill Show’ would make an excellent intro. 

Initially when I watched last Wednesday, I was confused.  Surely this was not a new series but some kind of recap?

All the candidates from the previous series were there.  The Lurker, The Gobby Barrow Boy, The Gobby Bird, The Ice Queen, The Geek, The Village Idiot, The Dandy (cravat), The Closeted Homosexualist, The Older Woman, Hair Gel Guy and, God help us, Ladies’ Man.

The first episode is, traditionally, where the BBC show snippets of the showreel the candidate submitted.  This is not a bloke recreating the magic of pre-internet late night Open University telly by standing in front of a chart and pointing out his sales figures.  This is where you have to stand out, and the place that, apparently, gave birth to the phrase ‘I am the Beyoncé of business’.  Interesting in itself because, given her global brand, I thought Beyoncé was the Beyoncé of business.  In fact I just Googled ‘Beyoncé’ to check the spelling, well, almost, I actually Googled ‘Beyonce’.  The second autosuggestion was ‘Beyonce net worth’.  And that’s with Safesearch off.

Since that proclamation the only way to go, in true ‘The Apprentice’ style, is bigger and ‘better’ or, at least, more absurd.  That’s why we can expect emulation in exclamation by the name-checking of other celebrities although, this being ‘the Apprectice’, we can expect the choice of celeb to be a little off, causing that helper of Sugar’s who looks like Barbies Bitter Gran to wrinkle her nose like a Bad Tabitha.

Given the calibre of candidate, it’s unlikely that they will go for a historical or even fictional reference which is a shame.  And by their very nature a material bunch is unlikely to compare themselves to a deity, even a safe one that’s been played by a British actor in a Hollywood film.  So while we may expect ‘I am the Harvey Weinerstiener of business’, it’s unlikely that we’ll get ‘I am the Stalin of business’, ‘I am the Lawrence of Arabia of business’ or ‘I am the Zeus of business’.

These are three statements that one is unlikely to hear because, while hair gel density may change, the thickness of candidates does not.

‘The Apprentice’ goes beyond being Moron TV, although with candidates about as clued up as something that has crossed over from the Farie Realm, or a box, ‘The Apprentice’ actually makes it into the category of oxyMoron TV, because the candidates are presumably smart enough to dress themselves, apply grooming products if nothing, generally it would appear that none of them, or at least very few, have actually taken the time to watch a few box sets of previous programmes and determine how the whole thing works.

Things not going my way, I’ll throw a temper tantrum in the boardroom and tell Lord Sugar I’ll give him 120%.  He may wonder how somebody with such a shit grasp of maths can aspire to run a business and he’ll surely give me another chance.

Fuck!  How did that not work?

Positives?  I rather like the way that the producers have obviously denied the candidates access to the internet, meaning that they have to rely on books and their own wits.  No wonder they are so fucking helpless in tasks.

God knows it’s difficult to succeed in business.  This is presumably especially true if you are an idiot.