Down the drain

Drains update - I’m now fairly certain that the mystery puddle is the result of my neighbour’s drain rather than mine. This is the result of careful forensic testing and observation…not least of which is a trail of soapy water lading from her drain to the puddle. Obviously the thing to do is to nail a sternly worded notice to her door and await the inevitable kicking she would later give me for being so cheeky.

Or I may just poke through the leaf litter clogging her drains with a stick.

Regarding litter of all types, I am hatching my plans for securing the garden from the foul pest of animal crap for the coming year. As well as the ‘cat-b-gone’ cream I’ve rubbed into every rock and fencepost, I think netting is the answer, raised on little sticks. These sticks can also be used, sharpened and smeared with excrement in the style of Charlie, as basic traps for unwary felines. Also, I am currently bidding on laser-tripped mines to deter cats on eBay and have feelers out to acquire a retired pack of hounds from either a hunt or a vivisection lab facing closure because some animal lover has strapped on a balaclava and 50 sticks of dynamite and threatened violence - that should deter the f**king foxes.