WTF
Conventional science would have us believe that there are three states of matter. Liquid (for instance, gin or tonic), solid (for instance, a slice of lemon) and gas (for instance, the fizzy bits in tonic).
I postulate a forth state of matter, termed ‘what the fuck?’ or WTF.
The WTF state of matter is one that can mimic one or more of the other two states simultaneously. For instance, one is busy farting around at a buffet or other gathering where catering has been provided. Possibly one is entertaining a fellow with a few chosen bon mots or seeing that all the good booze is hidden from the masses. One then picks up ones dinner plate, which has been baking under a heat lamp like a teenager on holiday in Lanzerote. The state of the ceramic plate as you pick it up could be stated as solid.
Three things will then happen. You will notice an odd smell, such as burning pork, you will then realise that you are experiencing the sort of pain one would normally associate with an accident around a theshing machine. Finally, the plate obtains a WTF state, as you drop it, leap in the air, scream ‘what the fuck!’ and plunge your hand into the nearest jug of water, wine or beer depending on what sort of party you are at.
WTF matter can also exist in a dormant state. Two usual examples are in the bedroom. In your own bedroom WTF exists as an object such as the end of the bed which you know about and which has always been there. This does not stop you stubbing your toe against it. Likewise, foreign hotel beds are sometimes surrounded by a WTF field. This is normally set at shin height and may resemble a wooden or metal frame.
WTF is unique in that it is not always a solid form. Occasionally it is liquid and discovered unexpectedly on your suit after riding on public transport, or gaseous and encountered when entering a public convenience.
A unique property of WTF is that it can cross as a state into the human population.
For instance, I was sitting outside a popular franchised chicken cooking establishment recently, minding my own business, when two of the most enormous human beings I’ve ever seen waddled past.
Fat indicators - they had the lot. Greasy appearance because squeezing into the shower to clean is a special occasion, waddling walk that indicated that, like a supertanker, they would not be able to stop for miles once they got going and, most important of all, trousers with an elasticised waist that signal ‘I have given up’.
In they went, then out they came with a family bucket.
A bucket. Of food. Has nobody sat down with these people and explained that food is something to be enjoyed, savoured.
When was the last time you enjoyed anything in a bucket? Truthfully - buckets are normally bad news are they not. Bucket chains, head in a bucket, kicking the bucket. All negative images. What genius thought that a bucket full of food would appeal? Buckets and food only go together in two circumstances, when you’re vomiting into one because of that warm prawn you had for lunch, or when you and your cellmate call it the ‘en suite’.
Food IN a bucket? They might as well go the whole hog and fit it with ear straps so that the porkers could just strap it on like a feed bag.
Still, it seemed to make them happy enough, as they waddled away at a slightly increased pace. I suspect that they were taking it to their car to eat as if they had lived some distance away and wanted to get there quickly, they would have simply turned on their sides and rolled home.
So we see how WTF can exist as a moment in time, an idea or an event. Certainly when I saw this pair exiting the fast fat food place, one holding the bucket and practically caressing the damn thing, while the other eyed it loveingly, I experienced a genuine WTF moment. Possibly very much like the one experienced by the two gourmets when they later popped the lid on their dinner and found some prankster had filled it to the brim with salad.
I postulate a forth state of matter, termed ‘what the fuck?’ or WTF.
The WTF state of matter is one that can mimic one or more of the other two states simultaneously. For instance, one is busy farting around at a buffet or other gathering where catering has been provided. Possibly one is entertaining a fellow with a few chosen bon mots or seeing that all the good booze is hidden from the masses. One then picks up ones dinner plate, which has been baking under a heat lamp like a teenager on holiday in Lanzerote. The state of the ceramic plate as you pick it up could be stated as solid.
Three things will then happen. You will notice an odd smell, such as burning pork, you will then realise that you are experiencing the sort of pain one would normally associate with an accident around a theshing machine. Finally, the plate obtains a WTF state, as you drop it, leap in the air, scream ‘what the fuck!’ and plunge your hand into the nearest jug of water, wine or beer depending on what sort of party you are at.
WTF matter can also exist in a dormant state. Two usual examples are in the bedroom. In your own bedroom WTF exists as an object such as the end of the bed which you know about and which has always been there. This does not stop you stubbing your toe against it. Likewise, foreign hotel beds are sometimes surrounded by a WTF field. This is normally set at shin height and may resemble a wooden or metal frame.
WTF is unique in that it is not always a solid form. Occasionally it is liquid and discovered unexpectedly on your suit after riding on public transport, or gaseous and encountered when entering a public convenience.
A unique property of WTF is that it can cross as a state into the human population.
For instance, I was sitting outside a popular franchised chicken cooking establishment recently, minding my own business, when two of the most enormous human beings I’ve ever seen waddled past.
Fat indicators - they had the lot. Greasy appearance because squeezing into the shower to clean is a special occasion, waddling walk that indicated that, like a supertanker, they would not be able to stop for miles once they got going and, most important of all, trousers with an elasticised waist that signal ‘I have given up’.
In they went, then out they came with a family bucket.
A bucket. Of food. Has nobody sat down with these people and explained that food is something to be enjoyed, savoured.
When was the last time you enjoyed anything in a bucket? Truthfully - buckets are normally bad news are they not. Bucket chains, head in a bucket, kicking the bucket. All negative images. What genius thought that a bucket full of food would appeal? Buckets and food only go together in two circumstances, when you’re vomiting into one because of that warm prawn you had for lunch, or when you and your cellmate call it the ‘en suite’.
Food IN a bucket? They might as well go the whole hog and fit it with ear straps so that the porkers could just strap it on like a feed bag.
Still, it seemed to make them happy enough, as they waddled away at a slightly increased pace. I suspect that they were taking it to their car to eat as if they had lived some distance away and wanted to get there quickly, they would have simply turned on their sides and rolled home.
So we see how WTF can exist as a moment in time, an idea or an event. Certainly when I saw this pair exiting the fast fat food place, one holding the bucket and practically caressing the damn thing, while the other eyed it loveingly, I experienced a genuine WTF moment. Possibly very much like the one experienced by the two gourmets when they later popped the lid on their dinner and found some prankster had filled it to the brim with salad.
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WTF????
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