Let's roll!

Now I know whenever I'm faced with the quandary of whether to shit or go bowling, just what to do...go bowling.

Bowling is surely the perfect sport. It requires very little physical fitness, it is almost impossible to cheat at and yet it affords endless opportunities to bicker with those you are playing against, playing near or, best of all, playing with. Oh, and you can drink beer.

The greatest ambassador for bowling was no doubt The Dude, otherwise known as The Big Lebowski. Surely, if we were all a bit more like The Dude, there'd be a lot less hostility in the world, and a lot more bowling.

I like the idea you can do it in teams, I like the idea that, like golf, sooner or later you end up playing with yourself (or should that be against yourself? In the difference hangs an ASBO banning one from Gleneagles). The run up is like cricket, the underarm motion is like crown green bowling, the slow roll of the ball on the practically frictionless surface of the lane is like curling and the eventual STE-rike! is like a brutal punch up in a bar of monopods.

All this and shoes that make you look really cool. I don't know why more shops don't sell two-tone shoes? If I could get away with it, I'd wear a pair to work. then, when you were having your soul sucked out of you and flamed in front of your very eyes, you could look down and smile at your shoes. or in boring meetings you could play the game of wondering what interesting fungal maladies the previous thousands of occupants had.

Thank Christ I've go big feet. If you have one of those popular sizes there must be millions of people stepping in and out of them.

The 'pro shop' had really cool bowling balls, some funny colours but the very cool ones with stuff sunk into them, perspex spheres containing flowers or stuff. What a missed opportunity, they need weird totemic shit like shrunken heads, skulls (a la 'mystery men') or hands. Or what about a flame? How cool would that be?

So bowling is the perfect recreation, you bowl, you drink and then you have a burger and fries. Then when you're ready for a challenge, you can get them to take the gutter rails down.