On greeting

In Town, one does not. Avoid eye contact at all times. If one is forced to acknowledge the presence of another, for instance if the underground is so crowded that you accidentally enter another passenger, a mild grunt of apology is sufficient.

In the more vital and cosmopolitan areas of town, stabbing, either informally or by arrangement, appears to be the usual greeting. Screaming a greeting from a passing car is also popular.

Naturally there are some oasis left where a civilised greeting may be made. The back bar at Marco's is one such place, where the traditional greeting of 'it's your round' is followed by such formalities as establishing identity and relationship to the greeter.

Standard rule of thumb, a doffing of the hat is acceptable. A doffing of a hairpiece is acceptable if one does not have a hat or is at the theatre. If in doubt, leave the building, put on your hat, doff it and return. A kiss one one cheek is the correct form of greeting for aunts and mothers. A kiss on both cheeks is the correct for for your mistress. A firm handshake for the wife. Foreigners should be greeted wearing latex gloves although holding up a sign with their name badly misspelled on it at an airport arrivals gate is also popular.

In the Country, things are different.

Strolling along, one may encounter an agricultural worker. An indulgent smile as they doff their caps or knuckle their foreheads is sufficient. Hopping smartly out of the way if they are driving a bloody great combine at you at night up a lane when pissed on cider is also very much the done thing.

On meeting a neighbour one first comments on the beauty of the day. This applies to any conditions up to and including blizzard conditions, at which point one may remark that it is chilly.

One then enquires about ones neighbour's crops and muttered appreciation is made.

One then turns the subject to livestock. It is at this point that any semblance of humility may be discarded as one brings round the conversation to the entry of ones prize bullock or pig into the local agricultural show. One cannot lavish enough praise on such a creature. Praising your neighbour's livestock is also acceptable, especially if their entry into the show is in a different class to your own and competition thus avoided.

After an hour or so, one may continue one's ramble, secure in the knowledge that one has discharged ones social responsibilities to the full, and that the combination of bribes and blackmail has secured you that best-in-show rosette for the third year running, so one may brag with confidence.