Croydon Tours - on the other hand
Every town should have a tour. Every village, hamlet, postcode and tree should have a tour. When a country like Great Britain gets to be the age it is, something interesting has happened in just about every square yard and if an area is so dull that nothing has ever happened there, then it is likely to be the birthplace of somebody famous, who left at the first opportunity because the place is so dull.
I love guided tours around towns, and the more obscure the better. That's why there are so very few straightforward city tours. The benefit of city tours is that so much has happened on more or less the same spot that it's essentially multi-story history and you can enjoy a fifty minute lecture about the varied history of an area, roman to space age, without having to walk more than about twelve yards. Also, most major historical events in cities are chronicled in guide books or plaques on walls, leaving little room for the guide to make stuff up, surely the only reason to be a guide. That's why alternative tours tend to take place in cities, like ghost walks, or pub crawls. These allow one to actually see something of the city while learning unusual things, such as what pickled egg is actually made of.
Tours of towns are a different proposition. More intimate, one suspects that any tour of a town will contain about 30% fact, 30% folklore and, depending on how much attention the out of work actor taking the tour paid during maths class, 40 to 70% bullshit or, as it's been rebranded recently, civic pride.
And I love the idea of actually having to turn up in person to take a tour of a town. Anyone who has ever seen 'The Rough Guide' on BBC2 would probably agree that that there is a place for a travel programme presented by hopeless fact and talent deprived armatures and I'd love to see a Youhoo channel where folk upload shorts about their favourite street, car park, post-box or building which are then stitched together into a wee documentary about a place. Eventually, no village no matter how small would be without a tiny tourist information video with some chap in a blazer (what else?) standing in front of a road sign and explaining how in the thirties it was turned round to confuse the Nazis, then revolved again to confuse the tourists, then again to baffle the immigrants and most recently to place Doubt in the minds of those who follow sat-navs unquestioningly.
If the BBC can continue to use the same piece of landscape as the backdrop to slightly different programmes, for instance 'Coast' and that new one with the bloke from 'Outnumbered' for people who find 'Coast' too difficult to follow, then it stands to reason that the same town can support more than one tour. So the history tour starts at six, the ghost tour starts at six thirty, the alternative tour starts at seven and the 'they film some of Morse here' tours run all day.
Surely, Croydon can support more than one tour. For a start, there's the unexpected Croydon tour, where people are led along leafy side streets and quiet residential areas, marvelling that somewhere like this can exist so close to a city centre that is now forever linked in the national consciousness as the eye of the riot storm of 2011. The only drawback to taking this tour is that when stepping backwards to take any photographs you have to take great are not to be creamed off by a passing tram that also, against all reason, appears to trundle down leafy side-streets.
For the more adventurous, there is the city centre tour. What a lot of people overlook is that Croydon actually has a busy and quite built up town centre. It has the UK headquarters of Nestlé foods and their office block is easy to spot as its the one with the giant flaming eye at the top of it.
I would dearly love to do a ghost tour of Croydon. OK, there would be initial problems because that staple of ghost tours - violent death - is not in short supply but basically boils down to shot, savaged by dog and hit by tram (make sure you get the right era, was it last week or last century) and so some inventiveness is called for - poisoning is always good (the day e coli came to Tennessee Fried Chicken) as is death as result of tragic romantic misunderstanding (Darren got a txt intended for Wayne and as a result went out, got a tat proclaiming his true love for Kristie and their son/daughter 'name to be added' and contracted septicaemia. How often have we heard that sad tale).
It's easy to knock. And if the rest of that sentence was 'Croydon down with a bulldozer' then the world may indeed be a better place but it it certainly a better place when the sort of person who is running Croydon Tours actually has enough faith in being able to make the town interesting that he's willing to put his job seekers allowance at risk and make a go of spreading the word about the delights of Croydon. Eight quid for five minutes though, is that not a bit steep?
I love guided tours around towns, and the more obscure the better. That's why there are so very few straightforward city tours. The benefit of city tours is that so much has happened on more or less the same spot that it's essentially multi-story history and you can enjoy a fifty minute lecture about the varied history of an area, roman to space age, without having to walk more than about twelve yards. Also, most major historical events in cities are chronicled in guide books or plaques on walls, leaving little room for the guide to make stuff up, surely the only reason to be a guide. That's why alternative tours tend to take place in cities, like ghost walks, or pub crawls. These allow one to actually see something of the city while learning unusual things, such as what pickled egg is actually made of.
Tours of towns are a different proposition. More intimate, one suspects that any tour of a town will contain about 30% fact, 30% folklore and, depending on how much attention the out of work actor taking the tour paid during maths class, 40 to 70% bullshit or, as it's been rebranded recently, civic pride.
And I love the idea of actually having to turn up in person to take a tour of a town. Anyone who has ever seen 'The Rough Guide' on BBC2 would probably agree that that there is a place for a travel programme presented by hopeless fact and talent deprived armatures and I'd love to see a Youhoo channel where folk upload shorts about their favourite street, car park, post-box or building which are then stitched together into a wee documentary about a place. Eventually, no village no matter how small would be without a tiny tourist information video with some chap in a blazer (what else?) standing in front of a road sign and explaining how in the thirties it was turned round to confuse the Nazis, then revolved again to confuse the tourists, then again to baffle the immigrants and most recently to place Doubt in the minds of those who follow sat-navs unquestioningly.
If the BBC can continue to use the same piece of landscape as the backdrop to slightly different programmes, for instance 'Coast' and that new one with the bloke from 'Outnumbered' for people who find 'Coast' too difficult to follow, then it stands to reason that the same town can support more than one tour. So the history tour starts at six, the ghost tour starts at six thirty, the alternative tour starts at seven and the 'they film some of Morse here' tours run all day.
Surely, Croydon can support more than one tour. For a start, there's the unexpected Croydon tour, where people are led along leafy side streets and quiet residential areas, marvelling that somewhere like this can exist so close to a city centre that is now forever linked in the national consciousness as the eye of the riot storm of 2011. The only drawback to taking this tour is that when stepping backwards to take any photographs you have to take great are not to be creamed off by a passing tram that also, against all reason, appears to trundle down leafy side-streets.
For the more adventurous, there is the city centre tour. What a lot of people overlook is that Croydon actually has a busy and quite built up town centre. It has the UK headquarters of Nestlé foods and their office block is easy to spot as its the one with the giant flaming eye at the top of it.
I would dearly love to do a ghost tour of Croydon. OK, there would be initial problems because that staple of ghost tours - violent death - is not in short supply but basically boils down to shot, savaged by dog and hit by tram (make sure you get the right era, was it last week or last century) and so some inventiveness is called for - poisoning is always good (the day e coli came to Tennessee Fried Chicken) as is death as result of tragic romantic misunderstanding (Darren got a txt intended for Wayne and as a result went out, got a tat proclaiming his true love for Kristie and their son/daughter 'name to be added' and contracted septicaemia. How often have we heard that sad tale).
It's easy to knock. And if the rest of that sentence was 'Croydon down with a bulldozer' then the world may indeed be a better place but it it certainly a better place when the sort of person who is running Croydon Tours actually has enough faith in being able to make the town interesting that he's willing to put his job seekers allowance at risk and make a go of spreading the word about the delights of Croydon. Eight quid for five minutes though, is that not a bit steep?
Labels: Croydon, Guardian, London, Lucy mangan
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