Right, here we go.
After months of debate, debate bordering on ill-tempered bickering and
countless hours of political pundits banging on endlessly with ill-informed
speculation and scare-mongering, the Scots are voting on independence. Every single Jock seems to have
registered to vote and is off to the polls. A high turnout is expected and of course 16 year olds have
the vote, which is either inspiring or terrifying depending on which sort of 16
year olds you know.
So, obviously, I’ll be staying up all night.
This requires a strategy. The last time I stayed up all night I was in my teens and
was at a party and there were girls and everything. Actually, that’s not quite true, the last time was probably
travelling, on an aeroplane where free booze brought to your seat and free
movies made sleeping something of a waste of time.
This time it’ll be something of a long haul. The results are going to take even
longer than bloody Eurovision. And
coverage starts at half ten, meaning the BBC coverage (always the best pundits
and coolest graphics, and the presenters always get a little crazed around
mid-morning) is going to consist of at least a few hours of speculation,
recapping and desperately filling.
First up, a quick trip to Waitrose. Obviously what’s required are snacks
that will slowly and evenly release sugar throughout the night. But sod that, nobody’s interested in
virtuous flavours at the turning of the tide, so it’s crisps, and, oh my God I
can’t believe it, a Ginsters pasty – the perfect three-in-the-morning hot
snack, as when microwaved to perfection (nuked to buggery) it transforms into
something akin to a phenomenon studied by vulcanologists and would certainly
wake you up if you ate it before letting it cool. Which takes a while.
It’s the only snack with a half life.
But mostly, let’s celebrate the fact that for the first time
in a decade I’m able to have a cup of tea after six o’clock without worrying
that it’s going to keep me up all night.
Crisps.
Chocolate. A mango. Put mango back. Sorted.
22:30 Telly on.
22:32 Kettle
on.
22:45 First
chance to see how the BBC graphics boffins have risen to the challenge and it
appears they have gone somewhat bonkers, with a huge graphic of a nuclear
submarine seemingly navigating the depths of the news room.
22:48 A
whistle-stop tour of the counting centres. Scotland appears to be very well provisioned with sports
halls. Ironic given the health of
the nation.
22:56 Oh
Christ, looks like Jeremy Vine’s strategy has been to drink a shed load of pro-plus
laced coffee. Cool graphics
though, got a whole 3D thing going on.
Looking forward to exhausted graphic technicians going doolally with
exhaustion later on and really getting creative – ‘Let’s take a look at the
results so far with the result represented as a caber being tossed’.
23:01 An expert
has just announced that ‘More votes will take longer to count’. Genius.
23:04
Montage! Proof that even a
Primal Scream soundtrack can’t make politicians look cool.
23:14 Oh shit,
it’s a people’s panel made up of folk who didn’t get an invite to a referendum
party.
23:30 Quick
break for news headlines. All
presenters rush to the loo at the same time for a wee and a wee line.
22:35 Over to
Westminster. Andrew Neil
co-presenting with a truly appalling hairpiece, no wonder this bloke only goes
on after the watershed. Luckily
John Redwood is also on the programme and so Neill appears normal by
comparison.
23:41 Huw
Edwards is reminding us that Scotland is a ‘rural’ country and there are
‘logistical challenges’ to transporting a box to a sports hall. Luckily, it would appear that the Scots
have access to vans.
23:44 Leader of
Scottish Conservatives looks quite a lot like ‘Scots funnywoman’ Susan
Calman. Suspect they have the same
tailor.
23:45 BBC
ticker declaring that Queen is following the vote closely. I bet she’s having a party. Wonder if she is serving Ginsters?
23:46
Apparently Glasgow normally has a low turnout, but having a say in the
future of your nation, and putting polling stations in branches of Greggs,
appears to have greatly increased turnout.
22:55 Cool
graphic of a helicopter, representing Scottish Army. Given state of defence cuts, presume this helicopter will be
shared with England, with Wales getting it at alternate weekends. Rotors spinning and everything. Look forward to the helicopter strafing
the newsroom later.
00:10 Now well
past time would normally be in bed.
Usually midnight means New Year’s Eve, and ten past midnight means
finishing the last of the fizz, saying ‘fireworks were good, Hootananny was
shit…again’ and going to bed.
00:13 Ooh, have
discovered ‘Trendsmap’ on the interweb.
Essentially this works out who is tweeting what where and puts it on a
map. It’s fascinating. In Scotland you have a lot of #Yes and
in the West of England, you have a lot of #Thunder and #Lightening. Thank God for the English’s
preoccupation with discussing the weather, it means you can track bands of
thunderstorms in real time. Also
worth watching just to see if suddenly loads of hashtags along the lines of
‘Aliens’ or ‘Invasion’ pop up.
00:21 First
interview of the night with bolshie Welsh person, who also wants more
power. Yea, right. Like that’s going to happen.
00:45 Andrew
Neil up again. Of course, his
normal programme is on so late it’s almost early, so he’s used to napping
through the afternoon and appearing chirpy well after ‘Newsnight’ has
finished. He has a boffin on who
is saying that there will be huge changes no matter what the result, and that
there will need to be a lot of work done on the constitution. Oh, he’s a constitutional expert.
00:53 Jeremy
Vine is standing in front of a graphic titled ‘Battleground’. You can just tell that everyone
involved is already gearing up for the 2015 election. Speculation starting to resemble desperation. Fill. Waffle. And
shout ‘Count faster you bastards’.
00:57 Edinburgh
count appears to be taking place in an aircraft hanger.
00:59 Which of
the workers in the high-viz vests in the background at the count is going to do
something amusing and become a social media star? My guess is the girl doing the dance moves.
01:00 BBC have
apparently dispatched all of their reporters around Scotland. The chap in Orkney is, judging by the
fleece he’s wearing, is BBC Scotland’s rugby correspondent. On radio.
01:05 Reporter
in Midlothian is talking about ‘social factors’, classing people as posh if
ABC, moving steadily into working class with D and E. Something tells me that Glasgow doesn’t bother much with the
first bit of the alphabet.
Reporter doing a really good job and seems very posh, obviously pitching
for her seat on the BBC news copter back to London if there’s a ‘Yes’ vote and
Scotland’s national broadcaster goes from being the BBC to being a bloke with a
bell and a loud voice.
01:20 Huw
releases the panel, who were all actually insightful, measured and
charming. Huw has promised them
‘something a little stronger than herbal tea’. Boozing on the License Fee. Excellent! Must
be massive temptation to try and drink the value of your Fee and pocket any BBC
pens you can get your hands on.
01:27
Clackmannanshire result is in.
And it’s a No! More
importantly, how cool is the name ‘Clackmannanshire’?
01:28 Footage
of celebrations at ‘Yes’ HQ show quite a few bottles already open, and LOADS
more lined up ready. Pace yourself
chaps. Luckily, the Scots are
famously abstemious.
01:39 Jeremy
Vine has a bloody huge map of Scotland that is apparently filling the
newsroom. It’s on a scale of the
sort of map that a Bond villain would use to plot the destruction of the
nation’s haggis industry.
Clackmannanshire is flashing red.
Jeremy then goes on to explain that the area is populated by members of
the ‘DE’ social class. Possibly
this means that they have heard that if you vote ‘No’, Westminster will give
you all sorts of goodies and are holding out for a Greggs gift card for every
man, woman and child. Areas
populated by As and Bs will expect to get a Waitrose.
01:50 Oooooh,
flash of lightening and roll of thunder.
Drama in the skies as well as on the telly.
02:01 Orkney
declares. It’s a HUGE NO! Loving the bit where they read out the
different categories of why certain ballots can’t be counted. BBC always cut away from speaker before
he gets to category of ‘crudely drawn cock’ on ballot. Shot of No! HQ celebrating result. Everyone looks marginally more
refreshed than they did the last time.
I don’t need fancy graphics to illustrate a continuing trend of young
people, excitement and alcohol meaning the only sort of political party that is
agreeable.
02:07 Guests on
BBC all look remarkably kempt.
Think the same people are doing a circuit of teevee shows. Suspect those doing radio shows might
be a little more casual. But would
love to see a guest turn up in PJs and dressing gown, possibly clutching a
favourite soft toy.
02:21 After two
o’clock, things are starting to get a little bit more relaxed. First OB from a ‘Yes’ party, where the
BBC journo is sporting a party shirt and begins by explaining that there has
been stand-up and poetry! Very
nice too. I hope the producer says
that they’ll be going back to him at 6:00, so he can’t start in on the Babycham
yet.
02:25 Jeremy
Vine is explaining that people from lower social classes are more likely to
vote for independence. Presume
this means UKIP will be courting the chav vote.
02:42 Andrew
Neil appears to have a twelve year old as a guest. Who appears to have modelled himself on Nick Robinson. Thunder and lightening over Houses of
Parliament in the background looks spectacular in HD, whereas Mr Neil most
certainly does not. Nothing wrong
with wearing make-up on telly, but when it looks like it needs not so much
touching up as reapplication with a trenching tool, maybe a rethink is needed.
03:43 Shetland says No! Ponies love the union.
02:49 Huw is a bit bloody familiar with using first names,
if you ask me. Calling Michael
Gove ‘Michael’ is just, well, unnatural.
This is the BBC, he should be addressed as ‘Mr Gove’ or ‘Twatty’.
03:00 Eilean Siar votes…who bloody knows, they’re speaking
Gaelic. Oh, English now. And it’s…NO! Something of a surprise. Could No! pull off a clean sweep. Let’s see those figures expressed as a wicker man. Eilean Siar sounds like a folk singer
whose music is used in a John Lewis Christmas ad.
03:14 Good to
see that UKIP remain true to form, the bloke from UKIP speaking to Huw is a
total bloody foaming-at-the-mouth nutter and, bonus, rude too.
03:33 Inverclyde declares. And it’s…No.
Just.
03:35 Half three
and the snacking is going well.
Ginsters is still in the fridge rather than the microwave. But have discovered a cup a soup at the
back of the cupboard. Past the
three o’clock hump, closer to dawn than dusk last night. Tension draining out of coverage though
and people are trying to move the story on already to what comes next, as that
involves England.
03:51
Renfrewshire says…No! 79
rejected ballots, reasons muted again but ‘used to wipe arse’ has to have
happened at least once.
03:53 Dundee bloke
reading out spoiled ballots first.
Builds tension. Dundee vote
for independence. If necessary,
one gets the feeling Dundee will go it alone!
04:06 West
Dumbartonshire says fucking AYE!
Pundits now back pedalling.
Lots of talking about working together as ‘Team Scotland’. No footage of SNP headquarters.
04:09
Midlothian says No, no independence please. No! party really looks like it’s hotting up. Cheering, drinking, embraces. It’s swung No, experts reckon we can
all pack up and go home. Cup-a-soup
tasty, but with that oddly gritty texture you get from packet soups.
04:14 East
Lothian says Naw! Big win for the
no campaign. Also lady reading out
the results very well turned out for past four o’clock in the morning, possibly
rightly thinking this is her big chance auditioning for job involving standing
up and talking on telly, weathergirl, lottery ball girl or something to do with
Countdown, or at least a regional quiz show.
04:16 Stirling
says NO! Stirling also has least
imaginative backdrop.
04:29 Falkirk
says No! Lady reading results is a
stranger to hairspray. Meanwhile
back in the studio the politicians are having a bit of a bicker. Past four o’clock, it’s an effort to
stay civilised.
04:25 Jeremy
Vine finally has some stats to render in graphic form. Lots of coloured boxes. Possibly after the vote this could be
used in the gameshow the lady earlier was auditioning for.
04:28 Angus
says No!
04:29 Dumfries
is a ‘hefty’ no. So, that’s a NO
then.
04:32 East
Renfrewshire have a backdrop with windfarms on it. And they say no.
04:33 East
Dumbartonshire go no. Aberdeen go
no too. Huw keeps speaking to
pundits, then cutting them off as the picture jumps to another sports hall
with, if we’re lucky, a coloured backdrop.
04:46 North
Lanarkshire go yes! Creeping
sensation that the yes campaign are now playing for pride.
04:47 Perth and Kinross lady go no!
04:52
Glasgow! Here we go! Glasgow go yes! Glasgow wants to be independent from
the UK. Scottish Borders go no though. West Lothian vote no.
05:01 North
Ayrshire goes no. Feeling very
close to Huw and the team at the BBC.
We’ve sat up through the still watches of the night without any
sustaining booze. Well, Huw may
have been sneaking a dram or two, but it’s been tea and cup-a-soup here.
05:05 South
Ayrshire are a no. Woman reading
out the numbers does not like cheering.
05:09 East
Ayrshire. No. Apparently this is a surprise to the
pundits. The pundits keep banging
on about communities with high levels of depravation equalling voting for
independence. No formal link
between desire for independence and aversion to vegetables made yet.
06:33 It’s
getting light outside. It’s all
over, and it’s a No from the Scottish public. The newscaster doing the short news bulletins throughout the
night on BBC News 24 must have thought it was her lucky day, instead of having
to read out the same bit of rolling news every half hour for half and hour and
then start all over again, she basically did the headlines and then,
presumably, had a nap for 25 minutes while Huw did his thing. Some grainy still pictures of Alex
Salmon being whisked away somewhere in a car and private jet, he actually looks
like a foiled Bond villain.
6:38 Time for
bed. Question is, should I have a
cheeky beer first?
Labels: 2014, Edinburgh, England, Glasgow, Hashtag, Politics, Referendum, Scotland, Scotland Decides, Scottish, Twitter