Countdown to Christmas and Christmas Films

Back in the day, as J. P. Kenyon used to put it, there used to be something called the Elevator Pitch.  This was, as you can tell from the use of the word Elevator, an American thing, and was based around the idea that if you found yourself in a lift with a movie producer, you would have the time it takes for you to travel a few floors to pitch your idea for a movie.  Elevator Pitches are now things of the past, because today movie producers are so terrified of being implicated in a MeToo type scandal that they travel with packs of lawyers who ask anyone coming into contact with the producer to sign a disclaimer before engaging with the producer, and by the time the paperwork has been completed, the producer has reached the penthouse and the ride, and opportunity, is over.

Obviously though, the Elevator Pitch had not faded from being common industry practice before a number of encounters happened that resembled this conversation.

“Small town girl who now lives a successful but unfulfilling life in the big city returns to her small town, reconnects with the folksy folk, reunites with her childhood sweetheart and leans a valuable lesson about community.”

“That’s the plot of ‘Sweet Home Alabama”, idiot.”

“It’s set at Christmas.”

“Genius, let’s do it.”

Ping.  Penthouse.

Now, I like Christmas.  I like Netflix.  And I like a Christmas movie, so I have to say that the Algorithm In Chief is really pulling it out of the Santa hat at the moment.  Because I watched a documentary about the Swedish shoe trade, Netflix thinks I’d like ‘Holiday Homecoming’, ‘Christmas Homecoming’, ‘Homecoming at Christmas’, ‘Home Holiday Christmas’ and ‘Blonde Girl in Snowy Small Town’.  And while I resent the hell out of the presumption, I love the result.

How many times can you watch the same movie with slight variations?  As it turns out, about seventeen.

Here in England Wetherspoons is a successful chain of popular pubs with a business model including reasonably priced food and drink and serving cider at breakfast time, indoors.  In America, Witherspoons is the collective term for the clones of the popular actress that populate movies requiring a small town girl to return home and learn a valuable lesson about community.

Films at Christmas used to be a seasonal extravaganza of Technicolor, and black and white.  Technicolor for Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Day, black and white for late night, usually a run of classics featuring Bogart.  Fun fact, from 1982 to 1991, fedora and trenchcoat sales in January were 12 – 17% higher than the rest of the year.

This also fed sales of three packs of blank VHS cassettes in December.  Nothing promoted family harmony quite like the ability to tape ‘You Only Live Twice’, ‘The Maltese Falcon’ and a 30 minute comedy special one tape, to be stored, treasured and then thrown out thirty years later because you have not owned a VHS player in a decade.

There are films that are set at Christmas, and there are films with a Christmas theme.  The greatest Christmas film ever is, of course ‘Die Hard’.  This is because not only is it set at Christmas, but it also has a Christmas theme, family togetherness and throwing terrorists off of skyscrapers.  It also has a jingly soundtrack that neatly counterpoints the ballistic mayhem.

A close second is ‘Jingle All The Way’, in which Arnold plays a dad who promises to get his son a doll, sorry, action figure, for Christmas, but it turns out that this is the Must Have toy for Christmas and it’s really difficult to get hold of.  Much of the enjoyment of watching the movie is derived from watching Arnold flex his comedy muscles, which is not as much like watching a penguin trying to box as you might imagine.

If you need the plot of Die Hard explained to you, well, really.

Christmas is no time for cynicism and Home For The Holidays movies prove that it’s not just the Christmas diet that can be heartwarming.

Now.  I have an idea for a movie.  Witherspoon 127AAB/Beta is attached.  It’s set at…Thanksgiving.  Interested?