Countdown to Christmas and Food and Drink

In the last blog post, it was suggested that the correct way to conclude a Christmas journey was to put aside the kettle (heresy!) and uncork some liquid festive cheer.  Certainly, this is accepted wisdom for the jolly fat chap who clocks up all those air miles on Christmas Eve, consuming so many glasses of sherry that it’s a wonder his nose isn’t as red as Rudolph’s.  And it’s good to note that with a properly prepared plate, there will be a mince pie for the old fella and a carrot, which used to be for the reindeer but is now considered the vegan option.

The term ‘vegan option’ is a somewhat contentious one at Christmas, traditionally a time for seeing just how many foods you can eat that contain, knowingly or unknowingly, suet.  Some consider using the term ‘vegan’ at Christmas on a par with using the word ‘Herod’.  Both put a downer on the whole festive experience but only one will go on Twitter to bloody moan about it if they feel in any way slighted because you are cooking dinner for twelve people and frankly have not got the time, energy, inclination or moral laxity necessary to have Quorn anywhere near your kitchen between 1^st December to 7^th January inclusive.

Remember a few years ago and it was suggested that it was fashionable to have an upside down Christmas tree?*  Would you have an upside down Christmas tree?  No.  No matter what glossy magazines are telling you, you would not have an upside down Christmas tree.  This is because if you are the sort or person that has a Christmas tree at all, you are a traditionalist and so your Christmas tree, and call me old fashioned here, your Christmas tree has the wide bit at the bottom and the pointy bit at the top.  You know, like trees have.  FFS.  Also, if you have your Christmas tree upside down, all the decorations would fall off.  Likewise, a traditionalist would not serve anything that has not been in some way made from, coated with, cooked in or soaked in some sort of animal product.  Case in point, roast potatoes.  Rest of the year, cook them with olive oil.  Christmas?  Goose fat.

There are certain foods that are exclusively consumed at Christmas, like dates.  There are certain drinks that are exclusively consumed at Christmas, like bucks fizz.  This is an excellent way of ruining two perfectly acceptable drinks, by combining them, and is only acceptable because it allows conformity to the Christmas social norm of drinking at breakfast.  The rest of the year, if you want to drink at breakfast, it’s vodka and tomato juice.  If you’re a vegan, you can have a sprig of celery too.  You are unlikely though to add Worcestershire Sauce.

So Christmas is a time for a traditional menu.  This is a problem for those who decide to go abroad for Christmas.  This is a fairly unwholesome practice in any case, as the only person who should be flying on Christmas Eve travels by sleigh.  I have never understood this compulsion to go to an airport, queue, get touched up in the security aisle, sit in a cramped seat and then decant somewhere unnaturally hot for December, only to be greeted on Christmas Morning by a slice of fruit and the promise of a beach barbeque later.

Unless you are flying home to see family, your place is at home, with your feet on the ground on Christmas Morning, with a glass of bucks fizz in your hand as you put the oven on and start peeling sprouts.

Christmas may be a time when we eat food we don’t eat at any other time of the year, but this should not include red snapper.

Many are in want.  If you are lucky enough to be able to serve your loved ones a traditional once-in-a-year dinner, then maybe take the opportunity to enjoy the tradition rather than rebel.  Just remember that the most important thing at the dinner table is each other.  Also, crackers.  Also, booze.

*Just Googled it.  Apparently it’s an Eastern European thing.  So not only is it wrong, it’s cultural appropriation.