A sobering thought

Christmas is a time of traditions both old and new.  It’s a time of traditions that seem ancient but are actually relatively modern, being that Victoria and Albert essentially invented the modern Christmas, she by having an enormous family to avoid over the Yule period, he by importing Tutonic ideas such as having a Christmas tree indoors instead of in the forest, wood or local car park being sold by Scouts, although thinking about it that last example may be a modern thing.

The idea of a winter celebration of some kind is an ancient one, the idea of a celebration of the birth of Christ is, if not ancient, then at least old rather than antique or vintage.

The practice of panic buying groceries as if you were preparing for a long sea voyage, or stocking your bunker in the event of an apocalypse, just because the shops are closed for one single sodding day, is very much a modern phenomenon.  Not for nothing do Ocado charge customers for Christmas delivery slots, they need the money to pay for all the extra deliveries they have to do, as the entire contents of one van now equates to one delivery.

I rather enjoy Christmas grocery shopping.  It’s pleasant to plan a menu and, for somebody who has the notion that ‘food is love’ as firmly embedded in their mangled excuse for a psyche as I have, buying many nuts for people to enjoy is the closest thing to a public display of affection my repressed self is likely to get.

There are things that one buys only at this time of year, specifically to consume over the festive period.  Not just Brussels sprouts (brussel?  Brussels sounds odd.  No, it’s Brussels, I looked it up.  But they grow those things all over, shouldn’t it be like Champagne and cheese and pork pies and kippers and so on, you can only call a thing a thing if it’s produced in a specific location, like real porn only comes from the Netherlands?  No matter.) and turkey, which if they were tasty we’d all year round, but nuts that require cracking, dates, and fancy cheese.  I love buying a cheeseboard for Christmas.  It’s the one thing you unwrap knowing there won’t be a disappointment.  Cheese is so versatile, you can snack on it at any time, and you can pair it with other festive treats, like pickles, and booze.

The Christmas booze shop is a thing of wonder.  This is when you pair not booze with food, but booze with the company you will be keeping over Christmas.  Planning is essential.

You need to think of others at Christmas.  Specifically, for the purposes of this exercise, you need to think of giving them booze and keeping on giving them booze to make sure that if they are good company they become great company, and if they are poor company they are practically sedated.  Why do you think booze was free for so long on long haul flights?  Passengers are a lot easier to deal with when they are happy or sleepy, or both.  This is the time of year when you buy strong continental lager, brewed under license on an industrial estate in Milton Keynes, in cans, just to keep your student age relatives and adult friends and relations who should know better happy.  It’s the time of year when you buy port, because old ladies like it an you do too, especially when paired with cheese or with reading an M R James story on Christmas Eve.

It’s the time of year when you pick up a bottle of advocaat, think better of it and then replace it.  It’s the time of year when you think about buying a mulled wine kit before wisely recognising that if you want a warm beverage at Christmas, a cuppa will do.

It’s the time of year when your shopping bags can clink on the way to the car and nobody judges you.  Make the most of it.

Enjoy, this is the time of year when it is acceptable to pop a cork at breakfast and traditional to mix with spirits even if your name isn’t Scrooge.