You can call me Al (Fresco)

The only sane response to temperatures gone mad is to avoid manual labour and drink heavily during the day, refusing all food. I find that gin is the drink of choice, as it’s kept in the freezer and so the very act of fetching it out every twenty minutes provides blessed relief.

Starting at nine in the morning means that one is fashionably unconscious through the worst heat of the day, usually stretched out prone on the stone floor of the kitchen. Coming to in time for cocktails and the cool of the evening, it’s recommended that one dine outside. By nine, the heat is tolerable and appetite returns, given that edge that only starvation and dipsomania can produce. Favourite meals include salads, fruits and, of course, a really, really huge bowl of crisps.