Two's company
Unless you're a hermit, it's likely that, at some point in your life, you are going to have to share your dwelling with somebody. If you are very lucky, these people are called servants, if you are less lucky, this person is called '0594582 'Disembowler' Phillips'. You may be a bit socially backward and move directly from the parental home to the marital home, leading, if you are male, to a lack of ironing powers throughout life (until your wife hits 40 because...) if you are female, an acceptance of a life of drudgery until you hit 40, when you go 'off the rails' and discover gin and sherry, in pints.
For many of us, the first experience of living with others is the Shared House. This results in a number of surprises. Now living with people from different social backgrounds you will find some to look down on and secretly suspect that some are looking down on you. One thing pulls you all together though - you all went into a house share hoping for 'This Life' and ended up in 'the Young Ones'.
There are three main features of living in a shared house. The first is that wildly different tastes in music can all be played at the same time at ear-shattering volume in close proximity - a scientific fact exploited at this year's V festival. The second is that it's an acceptable mistake, rather than a faux pas, to have meet, charm and have sex with somebody you find in the kitchen and subsequently find was waiting for your flatmate to get home - if you get them back in position and only lightly dishevelled by the time said flatmate arrives home.
The third feature is the feud. This normally starts with an argument about washing up duties, progresses through sulking and ends with the domestic nuclear option - a post-it note left on the fridge door. If Kim Jing Phil abandons development of nuclear bombs and starts developing really strongly worded post-it notes instead - beware!
After this, sharing a home with a significant other should be a breeze. Any serious domestic issues can be offset by remembering that tea does not make itself and if there is a dispute and the other is in the wrong - banish them to the sofa (the term 'in yer box' works a treat here). If your partner is unaccountably angry at you - take to the sofa - this is normally located conveniently near a television with access to Freeview (Note: porn previews are normally ten minutes every hour) and a games console. A word of advice though: when being asked, in a conciliatory tone the next morning, 'how did you sleep?' the answer is 'terrible', not 'sleep? Fuck that, I finally cracked that tricky level on Metroid Prime!
Final thought - spare bedrooms mean guests. Usually the very people you moved out of your family home/shared home/Strangeways to avoid. Stick to a sofa.
For many of us, the first experience of living with others is the Shared House. This results in a number of surprises. Now living with people from different social backgrounds you will find some to look down on and secretly suspect that some are looking down on you. One thing pulls you all together though - you all went into a house share hoping for 'This Life' and ended up in 'the Young Ones'.
There are three main features of living in a shared house. The first is that wildly different tastes in music can all be played at the same time at ear-shattering volume in close proximity - a scientific fact exploited at this year's V festival. The second is that it's an acceptable mistake, rather than a faux pas, to have meet, charm and have sex with somebody you find in the kitchen and subsequently find was waiting for your flatmate to get home - if you get them back in position and only lightly dishevelled by the time said flatmate arrives home.
The third feature is the feud. This normally starts with an argument about washing up duties, progresses through sulking and ends with the domestic nuclear option - a post-it note left on the fridge door. If Kim Jing Phil abandons development of nuclear bombs and starts developing really strongly worded post-it notes instead - beware!
After this, sharing a home with a significant other should be a breeze. Any serious domestic issues can be offset by remembering that tea does not make itself and if there is a dispute and the other is in the wrong - banish them to the sofa (the term 'in yer box' works a treat here). If your partner is unaccountably angry at you - take to the sofa - this is normally located conveniently near a television with access to Freeview (Note: porn previews are normally ten minutes every hour) and a games console. A word of advice though: when being asked, in a conciliatory tone the next morning, 'how did you sleep?' the answer is 'terrible', not 'sleep? Fuck that, I finally cracked that tricky level on Metroid Prime!
Final thought - spare bedrooms mean guests. Usually the very people you moved out of your family home/shared home/Strangeways to avoid. Stick to a sofa.
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