Oh my god - they killed Rudolph

Looking at my 'phone last night to check the time, I thought it must be broken. How else, I thought, as I sat there on my neighbour's sofa drinking their wine and chatting, could it say ten to one in the morning?

Invited next door for the traditional Christmas drink, it was a great evening. Oh my Christ though, I hope they enjoyed themselves too. I suspect that I may have been too a) loud b) drunk and c) 'amusing' about Romanians etc. to get invited back.

Whatever I did though could not top the supreme moment of the evening. My neighbour's boyfriend lives in Spain and, as the nuts, pringles and olives were being brought into the room, walked in with - a pigs leg! On its own stand! With its own hoof still attached! To say this caused some comment was an understatement.

It tasted fantastic, fabulous cured ham cut from the leg in front of you.

Of course, I want to borrow it, imagine turning up at the nephew's house tomorrow with it 'you've all been bad boys this year, so no prezzies, I've killed Rudolph and give me your pocket money.' or 'bad news boys, Santa's sleigh hit a 747 - this is all that's left of Rudolph, no sign of Santa but it looks bad!'

After all, what's Christmas without crying children.

The leg was amazing though - how in the name of greek buggery did he get it through customs and so on? I suppose they took one look, thought 'unlikely to be a muslim', and let him on.

Now, I think a huge pig's leg is an essential part of Chistmas, and hanukkah, Dawali and any other festival you care to mention. What day couldn't be imporved by the production of a huge porky leg with trotter still attached.

I bet the turkey's would approve.