Strangers on a train

Considering the English invented train travel, I can’t see why we’re so bad at it. I mean, we’ve had longer than anyone to get used to it, so why don’t we enjoy it. Thinking about it, it’s a wonder that train travel ever got invented at all -

Stephenson - It’s called ‘The Rocket’.
Bloke - Cool, what does it do?
S - It drags carriages full of people from A to B at high speed and at affordable prices.
B - Hold on, you mean that instead of sitting on my horse and dropping in at a tavern en route, I’ll be shut in with other travellers.
S - Yes.
B - But…I’ll have to talk to them!
S - Christ, you’re right - quick, help me throw this tarpaulin over the thing.

The drawback of public transport is the public. Normally, I just plug in my iPod, raise my book or paper and tune out the world. However, occasionally one sees a colleague or acquaintance. Then you may have to converse.

I tell you what though, you had better make damn sure you’re right about their identity. There’s a bloke on my train looks the spit of a fellow I used to work with, but I’m obviously never, ever going to acknowledge him, because if it’s not him (good chance, a lot of people look old, bald and pissed off when on the train) I’ll be mortified and if it is him, I’ll run out of conversation after ten seconds and every time we meet thereafter it’ll be awkward.

Obviously he’s had the same thought and so we studiously ignore one another whenever we see one another. This is easy because, thanks to three different free newspapers being distributed in town at the moment, by evening the train carriage resembles the inside of a paper recycling bin. The problem with these papers is that you have to wade through six pages of celebrity diet and dirt before hitting any news, so I don’t bother as a rule.

They do have puzzle pages and this seems to occupy a lot of travellers. Surely though these puzzles are not always finished, either because the puzzler runs out of time or intellect. So why not leave it for the next person to carry on with? Chances are they might make some progress after you’ve started them off. People tend to travel on the same train in the same carriage every day, I bet you could set up an anonymous ‘puzzle buddy’ system.

I may try it - have a go at a crossword, then leave it incomplete, with an invitation to complete it. After all, who can resist that sort of challenge?

Of course, you could be sinister. Fill in the cross-word spaces with words and phrases that have nothing to do with the clues and are all weird, or refer only to whelks and the contents of rock-pools. Or put something in that’s thought provoking or uplifting.

Or you could to make up sentences like ‘What are you doing in my seat’ or ‘sorry about the dampness, it’s my new pills’.

From a more romantic point of view you could leave little lonely-heart messages, or my personal favourite ‘I’m watching you right now’. It’s like ‘you have mail’ for perverts.

Finally you could be ultra-sadistic, complete it with ‘I have done some of this crossword. I hope you have fun finishing it. I am sitting in the seat next to you. I am very shy. If you ask me about this I shall deny everything. But please persist and talk to me.’ Of course, you’re not actually on the train, you dropped the paper off in a busy carriage when you got off at your stop.