Turkey lurgie
Bird flu has come to Britain and, predictably, it’s kicked off in the sheds of Bernard Matthews or, as you might refer to them if you’re a turkey, Mordor.
I’ve never understood intensive farming. Lock a turkey in a shed with seven or eight thousand other turkeys and surely any disease is going to spread like a rumour at a girl guide camp. Shouldn’t turkeys all be free range, free to freeze their arse off or be savaged by foxes, sure, but free all the same?
Originally Bernard Matthews were trying to pin the arrival of bird flu on contamination by a wild bird? WTF? How does that work, do wild geese fly down the air-intakes of these sheds like those ‘precision’ bombs from the gulf war? That’s a grainy video I’d like to see on YouTube.
How does a wild bird get into the population? Do the BM team go out at night and kidnap migrating geese to make up the numbers of the turkeys that have expired from lack of fresh air and sunlight?
More likely is the emerging explanation, that the infection arrived with a load of semi-processed bird-bits. Semi-processed bird bits are popular because you can do vile things to birds abroad, then finish the process by giving them a crumb coating or whatever and this allows you to say the produce is British.
A lorry-load of bird-bits from Hungary is being fingered as the source.
More likely it’s the driver. Long distance lorry drivers all probably start off normal but endless hours on the road can do things to a man - and turning him into a serial turkey-fucker is not the worst of it. I don’t know how you’d keep cheerful on the road, but looking forward to ten minutes behind the sheds with a turkey might just do it. They should search his cab, if they find bird-seed and gaffa-tape, he’s the culprit.
Of course, this raises the spectre of BM supervisors knowing about this sort of thing, God knows if there is an offence of ‘turkey-pimping’, but there should be.
The only thing that should go into a turkey is sage and onion, and then only when you’re sure the bloody thing is dead.
I’ve never understood intensive farming. Lock a turkey in a shed with seven or eight thousand other turkeys and surely any disease is going to spread like a rumour at a girl guide camp. Shouldn’t turkeys all be free range, free to freeze their arse off or be savaged by foxes, sure, but free all the same?
Originally Bernard Matthews were trying to pin the arrival of bird flu on contamination by a wild bird? WTF? How does that work, do wild geese fly down the air-intakes of these sheds like those ‘precision’ bombs from the gulf war? That’s a grainy video I’d like to see on YouTube.
How does a wild bird get into the population? Do the BM team go out at night and kidnap migrating geese to make up the numbers of the turkeys that have expired from lack of fresh air and sunlight?
More likely is the emerging explanation, that the infection arrived with a load of semi-processed bird-bits. Semi-processed bird bits are popular because you can do vile things to birds abroad, then finish the process by giving them a crumb coating or whatever and this allows you to say the produce is British.
A lorry-load of bird-bits from Hungary is being fingered as the source.
More likely it’s the driver. Long distance lorry drivers all probably start off normal but endless hours on the road can do things to a man - and turning him into a serial turkey-fucker is not the worst of it. I don’t know how you’d keep cheerful on the road, but looking forward to ten minutes behind the sheds with a turkey might just do it. They should search his cab, if they find bird-seed and gaffa-tape, he’s the culprit.
Of course, this raises the spectre of BM supervisors knowing about this sort of thing, God knows if there is an offence of ‘turkey-pimping’, but there should be.
The only thing that should go into a turkey is sage and onion, and then only when you’re sure the bloody thing is dead.
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