Postcard from naples - traffic

When we were disembarking at Naples airport, the elderly (but sprightly) gent in front of me remarked to the stewardess that the last time he had been in Naples was 65 years ago.

Personally, having a rifle in your hands and the British Eighth Army behind you is still the best way to see the place. We were flying home, but first we had to get from the hydrofoil port to the airport. This meant a taxi, or, as I like to call it, a near-death experience.

Naples traffic is truly astonishing. I don’t think we saw much of it on the way out, but we certainly saw plenty of it on the way back…much of it less than an inch away from the taxi. Chaos does not do justice to Naples traffic. It’s a free for all. Ever been on the bumper cars at the funfair? It’s like that, all the time, at speed. Everyone has a shitty car, all the cars have bumps and scrapes and the only people not with cars are either pedestrians wandering onto the road without looking or scooter types zipping in and out of non-existent spaces. I actually saw a bloke texting while riding his scooter.

Driving like this only happens in staunchly catholic countries with a strong belief in the afterlife.

Postcard from Bay of Naples

Naples is a shit hole. How do I know – mainly the smell but also because you can catch a hydrofoil out of it – that’s right, even the boats leave Naples quickly.

Naples is connected to Pompeii, Sorrento and Capri, as well as the Amalfi Coast, by a network of ferries. Best of these are the hydrofoils that hammer across the Bay like speed-boats on steroids. The hydrofoils are, basically, how commuters get from job to home and yet they seem to be a hell of a lot more stylish than the trains I get in the morning.

But they are full of commuters. I can tell this because I can smell my own (when you get the smell of Naples out of your nose) and because while I was running from stem to stern, looking at Naples vanishing into the distance, gawping at Vesuvius or watching Sorrento creep closer, the commuters were reading books or files. Also, I was the only one drinking beer before noon.

I can see one eventually getting used to a view, no matter how spectacular and reading a book rather than looking at the coast…but it takes something special to not keeping your eye on an active volcano – possibly a really good Grisham.

Postcard from Gatwick

Off to Sorrento for a family wedding (family member not Italian, just awkward). One reaches Sorrento via Naples. One reaches Naples via Gatwick.

I’ve seen pictures of what air travel used to be like. Unless you were bombing Dresden in WWII it was actually pretty glamorous. Certainly I bet it did not involve putting your shoes through an X Ray machine. Security at Gatwick is a bloody joke, it would be a lot quicker if you just climbed inside the X Ray machine yourself. Ticket check-in was terribly secure…these days one is checked in by a machine! At five in the morning I was not at my best, and neither was the witch from BA who was ‘helping’ people check in.

After that, Naples was a breath of fresh air. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a shit hole. Really, I can’t believe anywhere like that actually exists in Europe. The poorest places I visited in Cuba were better than Naples.

Still, at least you get to leave quickly – by hydrofoil across the Bay of Naples to Sorrento. The ticket booth was closed but luckily a gypsy was on hand to take me to an open booth, translate for me and then guide me to the right mooring – all for a Euro. Far better service than BA offer – wonder if she wants a job at Gatwick?