Hey diddle griddle

It's hot. Even when you're just sitting there, reading Amis and waiting for a deceent hour to break into the booze, the sweat drips and doesn't even get to make a 'plip' noise because it's evaporated before it's hit the ground.

Ideal climatic conditions then for standing over a hot griddle and seeing what can be cooked by barbecue. Take note: prawns, yes; butter, no.

The great thing about the barbeque griddle is the cleaning of it - this is cleaning as it should be done, by taking a wire brush, getting rid any large bits that might cause offence (any vegetable bits that women have placed upon the sacred flame) and then keeping the rest. This is called 'seasoning' and while it might to some simply consist of the hardened fats and juices of the last dozen meals cooked upon the griddle, to the devotee of the griddle it is as much a part of the cooking process as the marinade, the beer or indeed the covert picking up and brushing off of any dropped food items.

Anyhoo, at the start of the process you heat the griddle for a good ten minutes. This produces enough smoke to summon either the fire brigade or a war-party of Commanch, but more importantly, decontaminates any lurking bacteria.