G&P Awards - Science and Technology

Innovation of the year – iSay! There was much excitement in the offices of G&P when ‘smartphones’ where introduced. This excitement was diminished when one actually started using one. They did not, it appears, automatically mute themselves during Opera. Nor did they automatically ring with an urgent, not to be ignored tone during the interminable second act of ‘De Fingermaus’, allowing one to slip away from the box and test the service at the bar. Worst of all, they did not self-erase browsing history or scramble text messages from annoyed mistresses. What, was the collective opinion, is so f**king smart about that? This all changes with the introduction of ‘apps’, an acronym of A Perfect Procrastination Solution, they are indeed supreme at wasting time. Previously, the staff of G&P thought angry birds were the ones one clipped but did not kill on a shoot, instead it turns out to be either a way for your sullen child to while away that difficult lunch when you tell him he can’t come home from Christmas after all because Daddy’s new wife does not like the way he looks at her in the hot tub, or you to while away the time during any meeting featuring a powerpoint slide with the word ‘vision’ on it. Occasionally though, there is a useful app. Such an app is iSay. iSay is an English translation app. Unlike other translation apps, that spits out tinny mechanised unintelligible versions of ‘can you show me the way to the nearest lavatory that features a Sturley and Armington flush mechanism’ and other phrases that one clearly needs abroad, it turns your phone into a PA system while at same time printing the message, dot matrix style, on the screen. So for instance, if one types in ‘would you mind awfully advising me where the railway station is please?’ it turns it into English Abroad: ‘WHERE. IS. RAILWAY. STATION!’ Now, this is doing nothing one cannot do oneself, but the clever bit is if one is having trouble being understood, one hits ‘repeat’ and gets, in this instance: ‘RAILWAY. STATION.’ ‘CHUFF CHUFF, YOU KNOW, THAT WE BUILT’ ‘Oh for fuck’s sake’. And thence on to the inevitable scuffle, local law enforcement involvement and appearance of British consulate. The G&P staff have used this in Wales and found it most effective.

Steve Jobs R.I.P

Sad news today that Steve Jobs, top man at Apple and Messiah figure to the high priests, acolytes and devotees of the cult of Apple, has passed away. I wonder how many people, like me, found out the news while browsing the internet with Safari on their iPhone.

Film fans have their screen stars, music fans have their pop stars, geeks had Steve Jobs – who was a film star, a rock and roll god and techhie guru rolled into one. There’s no doubt that the Apple brand is, at the moment, all conquering, given the expense of the iphone their ubiquity is astonishing. Less expensive but more common is the iPod in its various guises. These days it’s odd to see somebody on a train without the tell-tale white wires disappearing into a pocket.

The close association between Jobs and the creation, and then revival of, Apple means that he’s probably linked more than any other individual to something that it would appear everyone carries around with them, whether they realise it or not.

From the images that accompanied the headline it appeared that little shrines had sprung up outside Apple stores. Apple fans are. Of course, no strangers to keeping vigil outside a store, although usually it’s because of the birth, or at least the release, of something rather than the demise of somebody. Rock and rollers have their shrines, like Jim Morrison’s in Paris, they even have their temporary shrines, like the bouquets, bottles and fags and candles left outside Amy Winehouse’s flat so it was entirely appropriate that Apple fans should leave offerings of apples with bites taken out of them or even messages written on them, along with their candles flickering on the screens of their iPads, iPhones and iPod touches.

Of course, everyone knows that geeks have a strong sentimental streak. Want to make one cry, just say ‘you have been, and always will be, my friend’ and have the tissues ready.

Goodbye Steve, and thanks for some truly amazing gear that really did transform lives. I’m not saying that the decision to ask my wife to marry me was entirely related to her buying me an iMac…but I’m not saying it was entirely unrelated either.