Boo!
Disappointingly few trick or treaters on Monday night. Of course, having a welcome mat perennially doused in animal excrement might have put off some of the keener nosed types, but I was hoping for more than just half a dozen.
Last year was a really good showing. When news got round that somebody not on the sexual offences register was giving chocolate away to kids, the feral children of the village did their best with whatever make up was on mum's dressing table, used a bin-liner as a cape and turned up on the doorstep. My favourite costume was the child who had cunningly contrived to look like a looming teenage oaf out to break his ASBO.
Hallow'een must be great for single blokes though, as basically all the children are herded round by their mothers and as a rule of thumb, the better the costume the better the chance that mum is single and is determined to show that Hallow'een can still be fun even if 'your bastard father has moved in with that slut from the typing pool'. She might as well have an illuminated arrow over her head saying 'low self esteem - possibility of having dinner cooked for you AND sex!'
That's why you should always hand the kids your basic blue and white striped value chocolate, and ply the mothers with Green and Blacks that have been soaking in rohypnol for at least a fortnight.
With few trick or treaters, (two of which, and I swear this is true, nearly started crying when I asked if they wanted a nice apple instead of chocolate), I'm left withhalf a tin of Roses. Acne here I come. Mind you, I'm really glad I didn't get round to completing my original intention, which was to inject all the soft centres to the brim with amphetamine - things that go bump in the night? Yea, that'll be your kid doing a wall of death at three in the morning, out of his mind on chocolate and speed. Teach you to let him come round my place and try and take my chocolate.
Last year was a really good showing. When news got round that somebody not on the sexual offences register was giving chocolate away to kids, the feral children of the village did their best with whatever make up was on mum's dressing table, used a bin-liner as a cape and turned up on the doorstep. My favourite costume was the child who had cunningly contrived to look like a looming teenage oaf out to break his ASBO.
Hallow'een must be great for single blokes though, as basically all the children are herded round by their mothers and as a rule of thumb, the better the costume the better the chance that mum is single and is determined to show that Hallow'een can still be fun even if 'your bastard father has moved in with that slut from the typing pool'. She might as well have an illuminated arrow over her head saying 'low self esteem - possibility of having dinner cooked for you AND sex!'
That's why you should always hand the kids your basic blue and white striped value chocolate, and ply the mothers with Green and Blacks that have been soaking in rohypnol for at least a fortnight.
With few trick or treaters, (two of which, and I swear this is true, nearly started crying when I asked if they wanted a nice apple instead of chocolate), I'm left withhalf a tin of Roses. Acne here I come. Mind you, I'm really glad I didn't get round to completing my original intention, which was to inject all the soft centres to the brim with amphetamine - things that go bump in the night? Yea, that'll be your kid doing a wall of death at three in the morning, out of his mind on chocolate and speed. Teach you to let him come round my place and try and take my chocolate.
1 Comments:
I had absolutely no trick-or-treaters...at first I thought it was because I live in an apartment, but then I realized it could possibly have something to do with the National Rifle Association sticker on my front door that reads "Armed and Proud".
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